A scratch n' sniff career

A week without an update.

Significant enough that someone commented on it.

We'll finger paralyzing dread. That's the culprit. Dread that I need to get into a good/great school if mortgaging my future on a lit degree is going to have any chance of paying off. Dread that my chances of getting into a good school are slim, as the school I went to for my BA--the school that has a good Computer Science department--has an English department that, in the words of one of the professors who is writing me a letter of recommendation, " [hasn't] been . . . particularly cutting edge." Dread that I have no idea who has merely passable programs. It's no problem figuring out the schools you have no chance if getting into. There's no US News and World Report Decent-ish Graduate Schools 2005. Respectable though un-noteworthy schools must not move paper.

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I think that speaks to the myopia of the average graduate candidate, and to the stupidity and arrogance of Americans in general. We've always been a nation that half-assedly thinks of itself as a group of hardy over-achievers. "Say, I've always wanted to do a comparative study of ideas . . . This competitively priced guide to the best grad schools in America--the only country worth a shit--says [x] is the school for that. That tears it, 'm goin't [x]."

E Pluribus Unum becomes 'Shit, I could'a did that'. In that sense, US News is trafficking pipe dreams to lazy morons. Like me.

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[I'm now putting '***' around my more blatant and jaded digressions, for ease of skipping]

Paralysis of the variety that renders me unable to accomplish things that need to get done, and leaving me too guilt-ridden for things I'd like to do (See: blog).

All of that was partially washed away on Wednesday, when I caught wind of a roadtrip--the Spokane youth diaspora has two new members--to Seattle to look at the UW. It was on that short list of best overall lit programs in the country, so I thought this would be the thing to get me going.

I was almost totally correct.

Smells are important to me. Much of my life is dictated by olfactory stimuli. The smell of old buildings, for example, makes me want to teach in one. The U has some old ass buildings. Hence, the urgency to apply is redoubled on the chance that I might be able to smell that smell regularly, and for the rest of my life. This is the good kind of urgency, not the kind that comes from approaching deadlines and tasks put off.

Enthusiasm, I think, is the word.

And if I fail--if I'm deemed a failure--there's always law school, I already took that test.